Affective Disorder

Last week we were having a late winter snow storm. Since then it has rained like there is no tomorrow. Finally today, as I write, we have sunshine. It amazes me how these different changes in climate affect my moods. The snow was beautiful, but on the first day I needed to be out, which meant driving in it. That raises my anxiety level to a fever pitch. It was fine, but the anxiety dampened the beauty of the snow. It took the next day, when I could hide out at home, for me to really appreciate how lovely snow is.

Then came the rain, and subsequent flooding in many areas. An abrupt warming makes short stays out of the snow, and fills the rivers and fields with the run off. In the Pacific North West we have endless days of gray and rain in the winter. It can get to be a bit much. Everything feels depressed, sad. Lots of people can’t handle the weather – Seasonal Affect Disorder. It’s never affected me to that degree, but the dark days are hard.

It all changes in a second when the sun comes out. As beautiful as snow is, when you add sun to that whiteness, it can be breathtaking. When sun follows rain, there can be equally beautiful results. The light glistens off the raindrops, filling trees and bushes with a jewel-like quality. You can feel your spirit lift.

Not everyone experiences seasonal changes. I would miss them. Late winter and spring here can be very unpredictable, sometimes even dangerous, but I never cease to love the lengthening days, the bursts of color as flowers unfold. I saw some pictures from our snow days of daffodils covered with snow. Spring and winter colliding. Spring green is my absolute favorite color, debuting on trees everywhere.

Why all this musing over weather? I guess I am a little melancholy. It’s my birthday weekend. I am far from the spring of my life. I feel like 26. That’s how old I am in my head anyway. It’s not my real age by far. Interesting how we can get locked at a certain age and forget our real age, until we look in the mirror. Rude awakening.

Lots of rain, gray skies, birthdays to mark the passing of time. All around me the incessant news talking about war in Iran, more ICE detention deaths, TSA agents working without pay, gas prices rising, much like my rivers. These goings on don’t help the situation. I had tech gadget issues this morning. You would have thought I’d been given seriously bad news, the way my anxiety rose, sure I’d never get the problem fixed. (Ultimately, I tried the time tested fix – turn it off and turn it back on- all’s well). With anxiety running I can’t see the sunshine for the rain. Everything looks awful, out of control.

I was out with friends last week, and the three of us are pretty entrenched control freaks. We were talking about how life won’t cooperate with our need to have control. We can seem to have everything pinned down and then, out of nowhere, it snows, or my tablet is on the fritz, or a health problem rushes in.

You would think that I would recognize my lack of ability to control and would call on the only One who could do something, God. But no, I usually keep banging my head against the wall, failing again and again, when what I need is a reset. I know in my head that I have no control. I am not God. But I do know God personally. He has made a relationship with me through Jesus. He has control over everything. Why don’t I reach out? Pride? Stubbornness? Forgetfulness? Lack of faith? Probably all of the above.

Unlike the weather, I can be quite predictable. I can be counted on to try my way to fix my life and others’, and to do that first rather than not at all. Someone I love is in trouble, and I can spend hours thinking of things to say or do that will fix them or their situation. Given the chance I often try to insert my thoughts, wanting only the best. What arrogance to think we have that power? Sure, there are things we can do, give hugs, fix a meal, listen. Fixing health issues, marriages, broken friendships, not so much. In fact I might as well try to change or predict the weather. Once I set a more realistic boundary, I’ll still have enormous anxiety over the situation. I can’t fix it myself, but I can worry about it. In either case, not fixing and then worrying about it, the situation isn’t bettered one bit. It’s about that time I think to take it to God.

Odd how hard it is to learn to depend on God. I know from experience He listens and often acts immediately. So why am I so insistent on trying my way first, or failing that, just stressing out? Jesus tells us that “Without Him we can do nothing.” “Nothing” pretty much covers everything. And if we miss that point, Paul writes “I can do all things through Christ.” “All” pretty much covers everything too. Unfortunately, I am so rooted in doing things on my own, my own way, I can’t even see how silly that is.

Of course, there are things we can do. I can turn my notebook off and reboot it. I can look for the lost item or take myself to the doctor. But I can’t fix anyone else’s marriage or health or lack of faith. I can do little or nothing about national and international situations. I can’t change the weather. I can’t even truly fix my own major issues. The things I actually can control are pretty limited.

The book of Job ends with God not really answering Job’s question “why did the bad things happen?”  God’s response is basically, “Are you God?”  He asks if Job was there when the world was created? Did he have any part in that? Does he know where this or that springs from? Can he create any of those things? No, no and no! So if we are not God, why do we insist on trying to be?

I know that for me, it goes right back to control. I want to control my life. I need to feel that power. I really do wish, at times, I was God and could just fix it all.  Giving up control is hard. We are taught to believe that is a weakness. It is a vulnerability. God was showing Job His qualifications to take over the control of Job’s life, if Job would let Him. As we read in John 15, we can choose to stay connected to the Vine or not. We can choose whether we want to have anything to do with the Vine in the first place. But for things to function the way God intended, we need to stay connected to the Vine. And, fortunately for us, unlike a natural branch/vine relationship, if we fall off the Vine, we can reconnect.

I can’t control the weather. I can’t fix myself or other people. I can’t create a perfect environment. I can put my faith and trust in God, who can do all those things. Every day, and countless moments in that day, I have the choice to connect to the Vine or try to go it on my own. When I get it right, and let go of trying to control everything, I actually can find peace of mind and joy in my life and the world around me. Placing my life in God’s control is the answer to any affective disorder that comes along.