Many years ago, when our chosen son came to live with us, his mother told me that once her financial situation turned around, she’d take him back. She wanted him with her, but circumstances didn’t allow it. That is somewhat fair. Lots of people find themselves in financial straits, unable to adequately care for their family. Circumstances can force us into difficult situations. I would imagine in most of those cases, the sixteen year old wasn’t asked to leave and fend for themselves. I would also hope that in most of those cases, once circumstances changed the first desire would be to gather their family back together under one roof. Sadly, when we set conditions on our love, sometimes we can never break through.
As a result of that event in our life, I’ve become more
sensitive to families putting conditions on their love. “We can’t work on this
until.” “I do care, but.” “I want nothing but the best for you, however.” “When
our circumstances change, then.” “I would be more than happy to
change/help/compromise, but.”
Conditional love isn’t anything new. We all have put
conditions upon relationships – friends, spouses, children. And sometimes conditions
are necessary. If a person has struggled with addiction and the family must
stop enabling their loved one, often an intervention occurs and conditions are
put on the addict in order to continue benefiting from the family. The harsh intervention, hopefully, comes from
a position of unconditional love – We love you, but we cannot keep enabling you
in your addiction. Enabling is not the best expression of our love.
Unfortunately, too many of our relationships have conditions
put on them that have nothing to do with others looking out for our best, or our looking out for the best of others.
Conditional love tends to come from a selfish heart, rather than a well-meaning
one. “I’d love to help, but I have my own life to look after.”
I really dislike the conjunction “but”. Too often it is used
as a way to slip a negative into a sentence. "I really like what you've done in the house, but didn't that style go out in the 80's?" “I really liked your work, but ….”
I never remember anything said before the “but”. The statement that follows
continues to ring long after. Words couched to be well meaning suggestions too
often are really used to break down a person rather than give honest advice for
growth. As a teacher I know I am supposed to balance negative with positive comments,
especially when needing to correct a student (true also for an employee or
child or friend). I also know too often the positive falls flat, even if the negative is
warranted. Maybe instead of, “you are a good writer, but this paper falls far
short of your capabilities” we could just honestly lead with “this wasn’t your
best paper. I’ve noted these problems…” After that you could end with pointing
out where the paper was good or you only observed these things because their other writing was on a higher level.
Complicating how we phrase statements is how the person hears us. Too often the subliminal message feels like “I don’t like you.” “My liking
you is dependent on how you write your paper” or how you dress, eat, talk,
work. “If you would just ___, then I could really like you.” That may not have been the intent of the
speaker, but it’s how it’s taken.
We all set conditions. It comes easy for us, particularly when
we feel our position or wellbeing is best served by conditions and boundaries.
Taking a look at our use of conditions probably isn’t something we do very
often. We might not even notice when we add a “but” or an “if you” to our well
intentioned comments. Nonetheless, too often we put conditions on our love and
acceptance.
Fortunately, God presents us with the polar opposite of
conditional love. I John 4:7 tells us God is love. The Greeks had several words
for love, much more specific than our one, over used word. The word used in I
John is agape. Agape is the highest
form of love in the Greek language, and means selfless, unconditional,
sacrificial love that prioritizes the welfare of others (definition from Logos
Bible Study) Agape love is a choice, not a feeling. This is the love that God
is. This is a defining characteristic of God – unconditional love.
We find it difficult to love unconditionally because of our
nature. We naturally put ourselves first and seek the best for ourselves. We
have to choose to love unconditionally because it doesn’t come naturally for us
to put others first. That is why we need the Holy Spirit to love through us,
resulting in the Fruit of Spirit (the first word listed in the Fruit is love –
agape. Galatians 5:22).
I Corinthians 13 is very familiar to us. The passage is used
in a lot of wedding ceremonies. In this passage Paul defines unconditional,
agape love – patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, doesn’t keep
a list of wrongs, doesn’t delight in evil, rejoices in truth, protects, trusts,
hopes and preserves. Agape love never fails.
The passage ends talking about all the things that eventually leave, but
faith, hope and love remains. The greatest of these is love (agape). Don’t we
all wish to be loved like this? This is God’s love for us, accepting us as we
are, having paid the price already for all our sins and shortcomings. Because
of what Jesus has already done for us, we can be accepted and loved
unconditionally by God. And, because of God’s Spirit living in us, we can, at
least at times, also love others unconditionally.
Agape love doesn’t say “I love you but…” or “I will love you
if…” There are no conditions put on
agape love, because the choice is being made to love even if all the conditions fall
apart and the person we are loving falls way short of our expectations. Agape
love says “I’ll accept you, regardless”.
Agape love put Jesus on the cross in our place, taking our sin, all of
it, on Himself. Amazing grace. That same love is available for us to give to
others, through His power.
Recently I watched some pretty bad middle school
improvisation. No matter how awkward their budding skills were, I was reminded
of the key rule of improvisation – “Yes, and”.
Whatever is thrown at you, you respond with “Yes, and” and continue the
flow. I think “yes and” is good as a reminder to love and accept
unconditionally. Instead of “I love you, but…” stop and choose to rephrase “I
love you, yes, and…” Choose to love unconditionally, asking for the Spirit’s
power to actually do so.
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